WOMEN STORY

RELATIONSHIPS between the sexes are on a more equal footing than ever.

Everything is shared and that includes pleasure in the bedroom.

In times gone by men have got away with thinking of only themselves when it came to sex but in today's society a consistently poor show is a big no no. However, is an award-winning performance expected every time?

Are women putting too much pressure on their men between the sheets?

"I like to be in, out and off within three minutes. Any longer and quite frankly it's a waste of my valuable time,"

When considering the fair maiden's feelings he says: "If the woman doesn't like it, she can lump it." A reality that has been confirmed more than once for men of such opinions one would wager.

"If you're feeling under pressure between the sheets then remove a blanket or two, I find this usually does the trick," said Petergk1, taking a more lighthearted approach to the issue.

When it came to pressuring men into performing better, gemmamariemc gave us a ladies' point of view: "I think they're not pressured enough!"

"No way are we under pressure in bed," an unaffected Boabywan proclaimed.

Another different opinion on the matter: "I think society puts too much pressure on us women, never mind your partner!

"You have to achieve multiple orgasms every time and try all sorts of new-fangled positions that could cripple you for life! And have the perfect body with no lumps or bumps!"

Her fella need not worry as she goes on to say: "If you read this honey, you are the best and I have no complaints." That's one man safe to fall into his comfort zone.

"I don't think anyone should be under pressure to perform in the bedroom. Surely being under pressure will take the fun out of things?"

"Pressure comes from demands, sex is supposed to be about having fun and enjoying the time together.

"Somtimes that can go all night, sometimes not, your partners attitude and willingness affects that. When you have been together a long time, you have to work at it more so it's not always the same old thing."

You might be wondering what, exactly, a prostitute might have to say to you about men and relationships. Let’s put it this way: I have met men. Loads of men. In my work as a call girl, I have seen them at their most cocksure and at their most vulnerable. If you are after what to do (and, more important, what not to do) in the company of men, then read on.

1 Get un-messed-up already

Seriously, if you are more riddled with self-doubt than the aristocracy are with pubic lice, then attraction is going to be a giant stumbling block for you. Men can smell the horror of an emotional mess a mile away — and, unlike women, they probably will not steer well clear, at least until they’ve got sex out of her first. Then they will vacate the premises at speed and with nary a fare-thee-well. There is a saying, attributed to Abraham Lincoln, that people are usually about as happy as they make up their minds to be. It is the truth. If there is a chemical, physiological reason why you are unhappy, then huzzah, we live in an age where these things can, and should, be sorted out, thank you very much, NHS. And, once you have done that, you can just choose to leave the rest behind. Or, to attach some religious gravitas to the concept, do the Buddhist thing and let it go.

2 Be interested

What turns men off? When they get the distinct feeling that they’re being auditioned for a role and not appreciated as individuals. So, how to let a fellow know you’re considering his particular merits, not just whether he could squeeze into a DJ and manage not to trip up on his way to the altar? By being genuinely curious about his life, his thoughts, his interests.

3 Men want only one thing... unconditional acceptance

Some say they’re breast men; others claim to prefer a long leg or a pleasing backside. These, I hope you’ve realised, are details. What a man really and truly craves is someone who loves him for who he is, and who is not on a mission to change that. “But! But!” I can all but hear you say. “You haven’t seen this one! His clothes/boutique facial hair/irritating best mate/poor taste in lager! If only I could make that one thing different, he would be perfect.” Turn the situation on its head. Let us imagine that, four dates in, Mr Perfect tells you that you are every inch the woman for him, apart from the fact that you are blonde, not brunette. What does the sensible woman do? Laugh and tell him if he doesn’t like it, too bad. That is exactly the response he should get to such a ludicrous request. However, so unaccustomed are modern men to laughing in our faces, the female equivalent is rarely met with the public disdain it deserves. Instead, he either chooses to ignore your request — thus leading to insanely bottomless levels of resentment on your side — or tries to conform, which serves only to reinforce the lesson that your nagging will give the desired result, which leads to, well, more nagging.

In my previous relationships, I was the Queen of Nag. Someone cooked an egg the wrong way? Disaster! It was many years (and many failed relationships) before I learnt the golden rule of dating, in fact the golden rule of getting by with people in general: you’re as annoying as everyone else in the world. Wait, what? Yes, it is true that nobody is perfect, and all the time you’ve been wondering why everyone else in the world is such an idiot, everyone else has been wondering the exact same about you, because you’ve been doing annoying things right back, without even realising it.

So, how to live with the lovable quirks and foibles that so quickly will become the grit in the Vaseline of your relationship? Ask yourself whether, with a little bit of friendly patience, you can live with this particular habit/facial-hair arrangement/religious cult, unchanged, for ever? If the answer is yes, then get over it and don’t make a production out of it. No? Get out of the relationship and don’t make a production out of it.

4 OMG! Not AGAIN! or, how not to date the same guy over. And over. And over

So I’m going to say some things that may be hard to read, but are undoubtedly the truth. And I only know this because, sister, I have been there. I had to learn some very important lessons, not only about relationships, but about myself.

Lesson 1 You don’t keep dating the same guy... they keep dating the same girl

I’ll put it another way. If you don’t want to date guys who borrow money and stand you up, don’t be the kind of woman who puts up with those things. Stop giving men the impression that it’s okay for them to stand you up. You do this by leaving them when they do it, not by asking when your next dinner date is. Whether you admit it or not, you are choosing men based on similar traits. Everyone has deal-makers and deal-breakers, and you should stick to whatever yours are, without exception. Let’s say your ideal list is something like this:

- You want a real boyfriend, not one who will only call you his “friend” in public.

- You want someone who respects your time and doesn’t stand you up.

- You want someone who won’t take you for granted over time.

It’s entirely fair to ask to be treated well. The type of men you’re picking can’t do it. Look for men who can.

Lesson 2 Don’t date inside your friend group

Sometimes relationships that “just happen” are really about someone taking advantage of someone who seems easy to become intimate with, since you already know each other. Contrary to what romantic comedies would have us believe, the gradual evolution into relationship scenario isn’t actually a great start to a relationship. It’s more of a default in which nobody has to take responsibility for putting themselves out there as potential dating material. The bar is set too low. In other words, it might be that you could do a lot better than these guys — but maybe you aren’t secure enough to reach out to the wider world of potential partners. Instead, you end up settling for men who are just around a lot. And those tend to be the ones who have less to offer — because if they did, well, they too would be out working on dating somebody fabulous.

Lesson 3 Choose differently (but not too different)

You like nerdy intellectuals? Date a firefighter. Don’t discount anyone based on his CV alone, or because you don’t usually date single dads/Brummies/gingers/ whatever. Variety really is the spice of life.

Lesson 4 Take no crap

Long ago and far away back in uni, I was part of a social group where the women strove to be “low maintenance”, because men talked about what a pain high-maintenance girls were. In an effort to not be too much, we were often spineless and took a lot of rubbish. The high-maintenance girls got all the respect. We couldn’t figure it out. Being too demanding and drama-filled is rubbish, but the lesson from that era of my life stands.

These days, if I got the needy line for calling after two days, I would answer with, “This is not needy, this is what boyfriends and girlfriends do. If you think this is needy, you have some things to figure out. Call me when you get through with that.” If you don’t draw the line, people will push it further and further.

5 The secret to great sex is ... enthusiasm

No window-dressing in the world could possibly make up for the fact that when you are in bed with a man, the thing he wants most is to imagine he’s rocking your world to its very foundation, and you don’t do that with red lacy briefs and porn acting. You do that by genuinely forgetting about the rest of the world for a bit and living in the moment.

Hot sex consists of going to bed with someone you respect and admire, and forgetting, at least for a short time, about the respect and admiration part. Because getting into the moment is hot; moment-by-moment paranoia about whether he will still regard you intellectually once he’s seen you in every compromising position and a few you didn’t even know you were flexible enough for, a bit less so.

Belle de Jour’s Guide to Men is published by Orion on Thursday.